finally.

Finally today, after 8 days of serious pain and sickness, I am feeling much better. I am not well by any means. But I didn't make it to classes on Tuesday cuz I just couldn't, and I am here today. I still can't hear out of my infected ear which is starting to slowly worry me. The Dr. said it is obviously normal, but if it keeps up after my meds are gone than I need to get it checked out. It's amazing what an effect it makes. I'm having a really hard time hearing my teachers lecture. I'm talking a lot softer. And I have a constant headache from the pain, and the straining to hear. It pretty much sucks. But, at least I'm up and moving.

School update: As of right now I have an "A" in all my classes except Biology. Which I shouldn't really complain about... but I'm going to. So, the only grades we get in Biology are our tests. We have no homework, no quizzes, no other assignments or anything. Purely tests. So, my first one happened to be yesterday. I had this plan of how I was gonna study this weekend and be so prepared... yea, that didn't happen. This stupid ear infection pretty much made it so I got nothing done this last week. So, I didn't study very well, and I had to take this test feeling the way I do which absolutely sucked. I got a B+ which again, I shouldn't be too upset about. But I am. I like "A"s. I'm very proud of myself with math though. I really like my teacher which makes it a lot easier for me. Plus, I understand a lot more than I did in high school probably due to the fact that I actually care this time around. I got a 95% on my first test, and 100 on both quizzes we've had so far. I have my second test tonight which I actually missed Tuesday, but my teacher is so nice and is letting me take it tonight instead. I feel very ready for it and am just excited that I'm doing so well. Granted, it's about to get much harder... but I'll be happy for now :)

Don't have too much else to report on in life right now. This past week I obviously didn't do anything. I'm seriously missing the cutest 20 month old in the world. It's been over a month since I've seen him, which I think is actually the longest I've ever gone without seeing him. It sucks, but it's part of my way of healing. Sometimes I want to see him everyday, and then there will be times where I need a few weeks apart. Adoption is hard. I say adoption and not placing, because I know that adoption truly is hard for both sides. Scratch that - for ALL sides. There will forever be a gap in my heart from losing my baby, but it gets smaller all the time. I know it will continue to get smaller, especially when I start having my own children, but I know that it will never be completely gone. I'm actually texting Lori as I type this and just made plans to go see him next week. She said he's changed so much I won't even recognize him. I wish I was there for those changes. I also wish I would've kept a better journal through my pregnancy and the whole adoption process. I read my friend's blog who placed and am so jealous of all the details she has written down. It makes me really sad I don't have the details like that. I also wish I did a better job of writing my feelings down now. Just for myself. Lots of people seem to think that I'm recovered or whatever, that it's not that hard anymore... oh boy is it. I feel I do a very good job of hiding it to the world. If only people really knew what went on inside my head and heart on a daily basis. Every time I allow myself to think about it too much I end up hysterical. Which is one of the reasons I try not to. I wish I would write these feelings out more. I love that kid more than anything in this world. He is the best thing that has ever happened to me. Only those who have had a child can understand these feelings. And only those who have placed their baby can understand the pain that comes with it. I feel better already. I really need to write more.

Anywho, sorry for that little rant. Time to head to Biology :)